Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
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In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!