*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
You Might Also Like
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Milk Cube
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.