Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Before crowbars crows drank alone
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos