@Mr_Kapowski: Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call
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@Phoebetate: To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
@bees_wingz: Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
@moose_chocolate: The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.