@Mr_Kapowski: Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call
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@dlockw21: Cashier: Going snorkeling huh? Me: Yeah. Should be fun. Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes. Me: Hi, I'd like to return these.
@DadandBuried: "Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!" - My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.