Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My dad.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
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I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*