@CornOnTheGoblin: Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I'd like to come home
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@Beerhaze: She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
@ericsshadow: ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills] SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow tonight. ME: I'd wait until next week.
@Brampersandon_: [infomercial] ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?! AUDIENCE: YES! *a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*