Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
You Might Also Like
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.