Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
you stereotypes are all alike
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks