Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
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That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.