Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
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*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
This meal prepping shit is easy
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
prepare for carbonated trouble
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.