me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
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Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I didn’t come here to be called names
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.