Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .