If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Called it