Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
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Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.