[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
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Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
getting corrected
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.