The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Canada has crack?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”