Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.