Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.