@markleggett: COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: I'd run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
@HollyMemphis: Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head, "Guess who got laid last night?"
@flashember: [Excavation for dino bones] DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG! DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I'll finish up