@markleggett: COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.
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@hunz74: I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl...or you just went...or here you come. I don't know which direction I'm going with this.
@Rollinintheseat: A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
@WheelTod: People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
@ch000ch: hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can't talk cause we both said "hope we don't die haha" at the same time and i jinxed him