@markleggett: COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.
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@personontheweb: we just got new auto insurance and my mom was supposed to text our agent pictures of her car:
@brianbowman73: I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
@_Water_Baby: I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
@bornmiserable: [me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn't specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all