[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
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To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.