*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.