Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My birthstone is a marshmallow