[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
You Might Also Like
Okay, I’m still confused…
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names