Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
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Easy enough.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.