Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
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Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you