Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
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She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
This dude got his own movie?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Mouse
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.