Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
@ candidates for local office
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me