Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.