Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries