“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”