Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
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[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
guilty
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Good Morning.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing