@JeremyPoxon: [cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave
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@TheSadnesses: [elevator] “Wanna buy a spoon?” Huh, no, why? [elevator slowly fills with pudding] [opens briefcase filled with spoons] [sheepishly] Yes.
@iwearaonesie: son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip me: I can do it son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
@Storminika: You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?
@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.