ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
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professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.