Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
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Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved