Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
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Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.