Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
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“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Oops I deleted….
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what