Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
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I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty