[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
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boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
wait.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit