Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu