Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
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doing your own taxes
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?