COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
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Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job