After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
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This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.