COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
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The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
What?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”