COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
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Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown