Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
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For those that worship cheese..
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
They also CAN sing✌️
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”