cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
He-man has a Masters degree
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
no one likes gloating
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.