cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
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A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?