cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
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hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Stop sending me this shit.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”