[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
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Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
no such thing as a dumb question
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.