*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
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“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.