I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
You Might Also Like
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?