Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
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It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
wish me luck lads
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen